For those of you who hadn't had access to CNN, the radio or the internet news today, Michael Jackson passed away on 25th June at 2:30 p.m, Los Angeles, USA. For those of you living in the East side of the world, that'll be 26th June at 5:30 a.m, Malaysian time. Sources say he died of cardiac arrest.
There's this amazing thing I read about in Wikipedia following his death:
"In the hours following Jackson's death, his record sales increased dramatically. His seminal album Thriller climbed to number one on the American iTunes music chart, while another eight have made it into the top 40. In the UK, where Jackson would have performed less than three weeks after his death, fifteen of his albums occupied the top 15 spots on the Amazon music chart."
This blog will take a moment of pause of respect for him... and also in preparation for my upcoming finals (very, very soon).
It is weird how things work. Most of the time I sit and contemplate about myself and about other people. Sometimes I have this nagging thing in my gut telling me a person is not really "suitable" as a role model or a friend. Like not wanting to be friend a gangster because he/she will be a bad influence. I'd have this perception about people I judge on first impression and it'll stick as long as I continue seeing the negative signs.
But that's all I do. I judge. I'm a hypocrite to myself. I've always thought that I rarely judge people and when I do so, it'll most probably be right a 100%. I would think that the people who judge outwardly about other people were just plain mean, non-understanding and possibly insecure. What I didn't realise is that I do it too- just in my head. It's just as bad. I made a bad mistake on hiding behind a mask and putting myself on a pedestal.
I'm just something else behind the fancy mask.
Which brings me to my main point; I'm a monster. No, I'm not being all "emo" and self-pitying (well, maybe a little). I just realised that I'm not as great as I thought I was. Just recently I got to meet a girl. She's not that pretty, just average. I'll boldly admit that I think I'm prettier than her. But when I observed her actions and her reactions, I suddenly felt that I'm the uglier one. She's such a beautiful girl inside, which made her outside excuseable and perhaps made it prettier. She wasn't the only one. I've met other girls who do not have what society deem as "beautiful/pretty". But they can be so cheerful and it's just like breathing fresh air up in the mountains when you're with them.
I feel shameful of myself. Here I am trying to make myself prettier (less acne, more make up, better hair, better clothes), but I neglected my self growth. I'm so envious, grumpy and insecure inside that if humans' physical body were the same as their mind, I'd be one ugly girl.
Why can't I just enjoy being myself?
Maybe... when I judge other people, the person that I'm really judging, is me?
I feel so anti-social today. Don't really feel like talking to anyone, or going anywhere. Got mad about something and someone last night and stayed mad. Planned to study for my coming finals but ended up in front of the computer like a geek and sleeping like a pig the whole day.
It's 10:44pm now and I haven't had my dinner. Feeling hungry but there are visitors downstairs. Don't want to go down in case my brother inquire me about my eating habits. The last thing I need is someone nagging me about eating habits. I'm a shy person and rather that no one looks at what I'm doing. That's why I sometimes don't do what I want or have to do, because I'm afraid of people commenting on what I'm doing. Weird, huh?
The strange thing about me being mad though... I wanted to just turn around and hug that person. I wanted to just forget everything that happened. But then how would the person know I am truly disappointed by what's been done? So I pull back myself, and go find something addictive to do. Which doesn't make me very productive. I somehow hate myself.
Currently listening to Neyo's Part of the List. Great song. I wish someone would sing that to me. I'd melt! I think I might even shed some tears. The song's really touching. Or maybe I'm being a little "emo" now. COME ON! THERE MUST BE SOMEONE (preferrably guy) WHO CAN SING THIS WITH HEART! SING IT TO ME!!! Here's Marie Digby's version. I just love her voice and her looks. Her original song called 'Stop Me' is great too. I just love her.
I wonder what time I'll sleep tonight. I went to bed at almost 3a.m. last night and woke up like 12:30 in the afternoon. That's one late morning! But my record hasn't been broken yet. Maybe I should break my record?
Someone save me from myself!!! And bring me food too.
Neyo - Part of the List
Style of your hair Shape of your eyes and your nose The way you stare as if you see right through to my soul To your left hip and the way it's not quite big as your right The way you stand in the mirror before we go out at night Our quiet type, your beautiful mind
They're all part of the list things that I miss things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss what I notice is this I come up with Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce
The way your sweet smell lingers when you leave the room Stories you tell as we lay in bed all afternoon I dream you now, every night, in my mind is where we meet And when I'm awake staring at pictures of you asleep Touching your face Invading your space
They're part of the list Things that miss things that I miss things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss what I notice is this I come up with Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce Oh Will you live in my memories forevermore I swear and you live in my memories forevermore I swear
They are part of the list Things that miss things that I miss things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss what I notice is this I come up with Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce
Whoaaa said whoaaa I whoaaa whoaaaa whoaaaaa Whoaaa said whoaaa I whoaaa whoaaaa whoaaaaa
First of all, I must warn readers, whoever is reading this post right now, that there is a long, corny post coming right up. If you are someone who can't stand mushy love pieces, you are very welcomed to skip this post. This post is entirely dedicated to one particular person (for a certain reason). And if you do decide to continue on reading, this post is going to be totally unrelated to anything except one. You have been warned.
You... Yew... (sound the same) I hope you read this from beginning 'til end. I'm sorry that I don't have any other special names to call you with besides 'Goat'. That sounds special but so unromantic. I'm tired of the special names like Honey, Baby, Dear, Darling, etc., they sound so common to me, thus no longer special. So Goat, I want to thank you.
Thank you for being here for me during when I had a bad break up. Thank you for helping me with SPM. Thank you for lending me your shoulder when my father passed away and comforting me when I spontaneously burst into tears on nice days. Thank you for loving me. I'm very grateful to have you.
The term "boyfriend" doesn't even fit the description I have for you. "Boyfriend" is when I have a guy to date me out, a status to say I'm in a relationship, a person whom I own because of that status, someone to call me up, someone to call me out, someone to fill my loneliness as well as spare time, but those just sound too lax. You're more than that. You're my best friend, my companion, my person to argue with; sometimes my support, sometimes my arch enemy, and you're someone I enjoy just being with, even if we argue like it's some heated parliamentary debate. I even enjoy the simple things I do with you, like watching you sleep!
I like growing with you through our relationship. Thinking back to the time when we first started, do you realise how much we have changed? Of course there's the good and bad. But I don't regret being in this relationship with you. Two years and I find it amazing. Amazed that I never get tired of hugging you. My heart still gives that happy nudge when your hand finds mine. The kisses we still have are sweet too. I don't know how is it for you, but this is how it is for me.
I don't love you... I don't love you because you're handsome (I really do think you are). The love is the same when you had that look in Form 4 and the same with the look you have now. I don't love you because of the cash you have with you or the presents you buy for me. The love is the same when you're broke and when you have extra. I don't love you because you can bring me to far places with your car. I'd still love you if we go out to date by walking and taking the bus.
I love you... I love you because you want to buy presents for me. I love you because you want to spend that extra cash on me. I love you because you want to bring me to far away places and you waste your petrol just because I complain Puchong is so dry and dull. Then we sometimes get into an argument because I was being greedy and wanted more. Or you were being insensitive and neglected me. But those are normal imperfections. Our hot temperedness, our stubborn-ness, our different perceptions made it unavoilable for conflict. I love you through your imperfections and your quirks. I love you because of that sweet heart of yours that beats and beats and beats....
And right at this moment now, I don't care if some psychology theory say we're the worst match for each other. I don't believe in forever, but I don't care that if we happen to last very long, our relationship could end up like my parents. Because I know that through understanding and tolerance, we could end up with a better relationship. I don't care that I'm being so freaking corny right now. Well, actually I do a little but...
Do you realise what date today is? It's been two years since you made that silly mistake.