Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Right Time

Just one question.

How do you know when to give up or hold on to something?

Sunday, March 15, 2009


Sometimes silence is all you need.

It's quiet, it's blank, there's nothing to distract you, nothing to disturb you. No pain, no tears, no drama... just a blank sheet of paper. And I want that blank sheet of paper to stay like that for a while.

I'm so sick of having nice, blank papers splashed with ink. For now, I just want total and utter silence. Just stone for a while.


Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Excuser

If you want to give an excuse, make up something better than that lame excuse you gave me.

What's wrong with admitting that you forgot?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Inspirations of Life

Do you have your own inspirations in life? Something or someone that teaches you how to live? If you don't, think of all the people in your life. Your enemies, your loved ones, your dog -anyone. Had they given you values or an idea in life? For me, currently at this moment, my inspirations come from God and three men.

My first inspiration, comes from God because he has taught me how to live even through the hardest times. There were many a time when I was circling endlessly in darkness, hitting myself on things because I couldn't see and thought that maybe if I ended my life, every pain, every tear drop, every scar collected and every problem would just disappear. But at that moment when I thought of being extinct, I thought of God. I couldn't just waste my life away like that and besides, the problems I faced, others have faced to. So I pushed those thoughts aside, got up and searched for a light. And I found it eventually. He has taught me that if I can survive one problem, I could survive another.

My second inspiration, came from one of the men in my life -my father. He has taught me pushed me to aim higher in life and even though you don't get it, at least you're somewhere. When he was around he had always pushed me to be better, do better than what I'm doing. But he has never put much pressure on me and that was good. He has shown me and the rest of the world that even though you're someone who started the low point, you will be somewhere near the top if you try hard enough and is persistent.

Another man whom has given me my third inspiration is my brother. He taught me that putting your whole effort and heart in doing something will be satisfactory and guilt free. Even though you do not get the result you were looking for, at least you had tried your best into completing what you should and could look back without guilt of not trying harder.

Last but not least, another inspiration of life comes from Eng Yew. He has taught me, in love, how to be patient and that most of the time actions could really mean more than words. We had and have many rough patches but through all those, he has taught me how to grow.

With that being said, I am grateful for the four inspirations in my life. They had given me colour in life and shown me that impossible could become possible. Of course, these aren't the only ones. There are many others, but these, at the moment as well as whether indirectly or directly, shown me the meaning in life. Although one of the men isn't here anymore, he and his valuable teachings will forever be in my mind and heart.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Jumbled Thoughts

Do you have any idea how much I've hurt until at this moment, the pain seem like such a normal thing?

Like if I slit some cuts on my wrist, it hurts the first time, but after doing it again and again, the pain just seems to be no longer there?

Do you have any idea how desperate I was, to throw all pride, to throw all that I believed in and some values to the winds just to keep you here with me?

Like catching the droplets of rain with a container, I'm so afraid of missing one drop.

And I'm so, so confused after all that has happened. All that I did, would you come to think I was great? Or just the same old person you'd come to hate?

What am I to you? When I do wrong, am I automatically someone not right for you? A burden instead of a love one? Do I have to be so perfect? Like an obedient housewife, a beautiful lady that stands by her partner's side, forever smiling, forever providing what is wanted, needed.

I don't even know why am I thinking these thoughts.

I'm tired. Tired of being the desperate person, tired of hurting, tired of trying to figure you out. Tired of fearing that I'll lose someone special.

I just want to disappear. I suddenly wish I was a better girl, a better person, another me. I'm tired of being me.

I hate me.