Saturday, April 28, 2007

Every Second That Passes Us By

Just a slight quiver of the hand. I am there by her side. I wrap the woolen blanket around her. But she continues to shiver. She isn't cold. I watch in helpless silence as she stares emptily at the wall. So obviously lost in her own thoughts. Her eyes are glazed and red from crying. She barely even registers the fact that someone had come by her side and placed a warm blanket around her shoulders. The clock continues to move its hand, announcing every second that passes us by. Every second that containes a moment of pain. Her pain.

"You see!!! I knew you could do it!" she beamed widely at me after four hours of hard practice on one of Chopin's pieces- by which the last few minutes, I managed to perfect it. Well, almost. My fingers felt like Jell-O and my brain felt like someone had stuck cotton in it but I was too happy to care how tired I felt. I did it. I turned my failure to a success. She took one of my tired hands, her smile never leaving her face. "Let's celebrate!"

Our celebration consisted of lying down on the field nearby, sipping Ribena. We were cloud watching. Like how we always do at this time of the day. I had just met her. It was just three weeks but I felt as if we knew each other for over three years. She was great. And I was way below great. I should feel inferior to her and her abilities, her charisma, her attractiveness. But she never made me feel that way. She was always pushing me to believe I could be better than what I am. That there was more than what I really am. And she proved it to me in so many different ways.

But she had a bad life. It was as if her whole smart and charming package had a price to pay. Her parents wanted to run her life like it was theirs. They expected too much from her. Get better grades, get better friends, look better, get a better job, and the list goes on and on and on. She started spending less and less time at home and more and more time trying to find a "family" that she belonged to. Her friends were no better. She had unfortunately mixed with the wrong crowd and they pushed her to do things she didn't want to or she'll be an outcast. And when one day, she couldn't meet to their "standards", they just left her. They jeered her, mocked her, threw insults at her and spreaded rumours about her. She was, in many people's eyes, an outcast. A made believed version of the rumours about her. Since then on, she always spent time at a field, just watching clouds.

That was when she met me. I was having a hard time too. Two lonely, different people at the same place and at the same time. We just seem to click. I told her about my pathetic life, but she never told me about hers. I had to peel off skin after skin, one by one to get to know how deep and hollow she really is. In the meantime, she tried to build up the broken building that I was. She cleaned my wounds and healed my pain. So here we were, under the fluffy white clouds, smiling at each other and not caring if our watches were announcing every second that passes us by.

That had been several months ago. Now, here we are. Life has gotten tougher and more complicated for both of us. I don't deny the fact that I have fallen for her and maybe she for me. Rumours had started and jeers had been made. Her parents found out and were just ashamed. They couldn't accept the fact that their daughter is with someone like me. That she accepts people like me. That she had disgraced herself and her family. They couldn't accept it until they couldn't accept her. She is not their daughter anymore.

Though I had heard her complain many times, though I had witnessed her releasing her anger, I've never seen her cave in, break down and shatter to a million pieces. Like she did just now. No matter what I did or said, she just acted as if I was invisible. Four trying hours of being with a highly emotional female who barely notices I was there. I felt that it was just hopeless being there. I was the cause of all the problems so maybe it was best I leave. But I couldn't leave her. No, not her. I put my arm around her and whisper in her ear, "I'm always there for you like you were for me. You'll get through this."

Her head turns slowly and she looks at me. Her eyes are searching mine. Then, she smiles and turned back to staring at the wall. It is small, barely noticeable. But it is a smile. And for that moment, that brief moment, I want to hold onto that second, wishing it didn't pass us by.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Believe, Laugh and Live

Reach out your hand, call my name.
Rely on me, shed your pain.
Bring forth your tears, let it out.
Relieve your worries, just shout.

Do not question, "Why me?"
No hesitation, just be,
All that you need to be.
Believe, laugh and live.

If life has no challenge, it's not the same.
Though you'd fall, treat it a game.
When you win, when you score,
Like an eagle, you will soar.

So don't give up, wipe those tears.
I'm always here to chase your fears.
Hold my hand... See, I'm real!
But an empty book is for you to fill.

Believe, laugh and live.


In case you were wondering about the empty book part: An empty book is used as a metaphor for your life. When you're born, your book is empty. Many people in your life are there to help you write it. But you are the one who gets to decide where the story goes. Don't give up when Life throws you challenges. Fill your book till there are no more pages. =)

Friday, April 20, 2007

Food For Thought, Thought For Food

"Ahahaha! Your blog sucks. My blog is better than yours..." - Fake Husband Who Shall Remain Nameless. ;)

TWO words. Who cares? The purpose of my blog is to speak out whatever's inside of me. Not to gain popularity. It is purely for fun and for my own use. I don't mind people reading and commenting my stuffs as long as they keep it polite. I would love people saying that my posts are good and that they take into consideration what I wrote. I wouldn't mind some constructive criticisms either. But this blog, is just for fun. For me. It doesn't have to be oh-so-good with 1000 visitors or with the shoutbox filled with SPAM (though it would be nice) and it doesn't have to be "cooler" or "better" than anyone elses. It's just a place where I put my thoughts and write as I like, boring or not. And frankly, I don't mind if this blog has only one reader. At least this blog still has a visitor. Thanks to whoever reads my crap. =) Oh and to anyone who comes here looking for inspiration, I'm so sorry but you've just stepped into the wrong place. Posts have been flat for months. =P

Okay, with those thoughts aside, let's crap 'bout how I feel about today. I'm tired, sleepy and possibly a little cranky. I can't get to sleep cause it's kinda late right now and dinner is coming soon. I had to prepare food for tomorrow's party (Joanna's preparing food, people!!! Pigs can fly!!!). I felt I need to do SOMETHING, since I've got no gift whatsoever to give the Birthday Girl.

First, me and a couple of friends went to Tesco to get the stuffs. It's like preparing for a famine except that we're taking whats nice to eat. I think we stayed longer at the meat section. My legs feel tired after all that walking around and standing. And I kept turning to my mom for consultation on what to buy. We had only RM100 to spend. And what do you get when you put 3 clueless girls with just a hundred to spend? Over budget. We over spent. Had to cancel out a sparkling juice before it gets scanned. They even wanted to buy other things! No money la...

So okay. Shopping done. Now we just had to prepare the food. Went home and my mom made us wash the meat first. The chicken was the lucky number one. We're supposed to clean it and pick the remains of the feather out. But we ended up doing muuuccchh more. The two didn't want their hands to smell of chicken, so they made gloves out of plastic bags they stole from Tesco. However, the plan failed and they eventually had to use their own bare hands. Hope was still buring so they tried to make gloves out of cling wraps but that failed miserably too. Then, Pau saw the amount of fat that was in the chicken skin and she kept complaining that it was cholesterol so we have to cut it out or she won't eat. So here we go, one by one, through the chicken, cleaning it and cutting out the fats. Then we rinsed and re-rinsed and rinsed the chicken wings again until our hands started looking like prunes.

Next was the lamb! Well, nothing much happened here. Just rinsing and rinsing and rinsing... And soon it was time to chop vegetables for the coleslaw. My mom showed us once with her fine (and fast) chopping skills. We watched in awe and amazement as my mom and the chopper moved harmoniously together, making the cabbage into small little pieces. I tried, and it was... o-k. Then Pau tried, and she was so cute XD! I think she hadn't held a chopper before. Then it was Michelle's turn but she said her hand was cramped, thus the cacat-ed chopping. Oh we're so shameful.

Well, Pau's dad came to pick her up so the two left. Now I'm stuck with boiled potatoes waiting to be peeled. The horror. My body and eyes can't hold up any longer... Though my fingers would still find it very easy to keep typing this. Should I keep typing? I can't find the words to decribe any other thing right now. Oh and my internet's all whacky. It keeps disconnecting after 15 minutes and then it'll redail and redail and redail for 30 minutes more before it can connect back again. It's so annoying. I can't even browse the web leisurely. I need to RUSH!

Do you think maybe I could use this post as my essay? I'm sure it reached more than 350 words.. Ah, alright, my eyes are going to go blur staring at the screen like this...

Sunday, April 15, 2007


Media. Our source of entertainment. Something we turn to in times of boredom, anger, sadness, happiness, etc.etc. It's so convenient. You can watch your favourite shows on the TV, watch movies you missed on HBO, Cinemax, and Star Movie (that is if you have Astro but I'm sure national TV shows them as well). You can watch the cartoons you used to watch when you were young (though you won't admit it to anyone) and get in tune to the lastest music videos. With the radio, you can listen to your favourite DJ talk crap, put in a CD and listen to your favourite band or singer sing. And since the technology industry grows like mushrooms after rain, you can fit all of these into a handphone and bring it wherever you want, stream whatever you want and whever you want (provided you have the money for it). My point is, the media is our escape for relief and boredom.

BUT, isn't it all a little scary? I mean, with all these convenient entertainments creeping up, maybe the thing we need to escape from, is them! Most teens (and adults) nowadays can't live without their mobile. It's a convenient tool for communication and last time, it was just that. Now, it's a tv-radio-camera-computer all rolled, squished, and compacted into one! We can't escape it (unless of course, you throw away all means of technology, run away to the jungle and live like the orang asli)! It's so easy for us to become addicted.

Look at those who play online games or any games for that matter. They can spend hours on end just trying to freaking level up! To those who don't play games, you would view this as completely pointless. Throw away time to just get to the next level? OMG!!! (G=Goodness, not God. Thou shall not use the name of your Lord in vain.) But to them, it's like scoring A's in an exam or sniffing drugs to get high. It's a rush of endorphin and just a dash of andrenaline. Games are even used as a mean to escape into a fantasy, to keep the mind off things and/or complicated problems. And like drugs, once you're on it, you're completely hooked. I congratulate those of you who had stopped your gaming addiction.

And the internet. It has access to almost anything now. 24 hours won't complete the search cycle of everything in it. It's like a bottomless pit filled with useless and useful information. Music lovers would search for their music, graphic lovers would search for pictures to play in photoshop, gamers will look for their games, and the others are just happy chatting their time away. It's hard not to get addicted. It's hard to escape.

These entertainments eat our time and excrete it to the land of no turning back time. We'll procastinate, fight for the remote controls, and spend money on bills. Then, once we have a chance to come up for air, we realise what precious time we've wasted. Soon, they pull us back again and we continue to procastinate! Can we ever escape entertainment's death grip???

Well, maybe not. We're so used to these things that we find it hard to live without. For those of you who aren't affected by entertainment technology, I applaud you. Either that or you're just too busy. If that's the case, I pity you. Now that I've neared the end of this almost pointless post, I shall continue searching for stuff to do... on the internet.

I'm a sinner. Back to procastinating...

Monday, April 9, 2007

Living In My Fantasy

Are you what I imagined you to be?

Or are you just a fiction of my fantasy?

Stay near to me and make me smile

Make something all worth while

Let me live in this dream created with hope

Started by the many pains that ever glow

A world where there is a happy destiny

So what if I'm living in my fantasy...

Have you forgotten me with passing time?

Do you not see the intention in this rhyme?

With the outward smiles and laughters flow

The inward feelings, who will know?

Maybe too many mistakes had been made,

Until forgetting is not adequate.

Sometimes we only appreciate what was lost,

Regretting the fates that turn and toss.

Sing our lullaby, sing it to me

Sing of the times that will never be

And I dream the path of endless search

To reach the end of rewarding mirth.

Let me live in this dream created with hope

Started by the many pains that ever glow

A world where there is a happy destiny

So what if I'm living in my fantasy...