Sand In Your Hands

It was 8:30p.m. Around the dinner table sat my mother, my sister and me. We were having a simple meal, nothing much, just rice, egg and stir-fried baby long beans which my mother had cooked. It was a Sunday night and normally people would be out eating, but it was a relaxing one at home with just the three of us and no fussy requests, a simple meal to fill our stomachs was set on the table.

“Did you cook this?” I asked my mother as I chewed on the vegetables.

She nodded. “Yeah, why? It tastes different?”

“There’s a difference between Mama’s veggie and other people’s veggie.” I replied, to which my sister nodded and smiled in agreement.

The taste of the food that filled my mouth, into my taste buds was something that I missed very much. It brought nostalgia to me, bringing me back to the time when my whole family were still together, having my mother’s home cooked meal together as a family every day and night. It was a routine my parents had implemented; all members who are home, eat meals together at the same time.

In the present, normally my mother would not cook as a house-maid was employed lighten my mother’s burden. For two to three years, my mother had not cooked much. It was very rare if she did. Tasting her cooking again on that Sunday night made me realise how time had passed since I last enjoyed her cooking. So much has happened with promises of much more happening and I feel like I have not got the time to slow down.

My mother, the person who had cared for me and had once cooked meals every day for the family is no longer as young as I perceive her to be. One moment she was 40 and now she is already 60. This night has made me realise how much I took her for granted. Her kindness, her worries for me, her cooking, her sacrifices and the times she kept quiet when my bitter words and actions hurt her… all of them I took from her and then went about my business, thinking that I would have them for a long, long time. However, the fact is it won’t be long before it all stops. One day soon, she would have to leave this earth. All of us could die anytime. We could die tomorrow, or the day after, or the next week, or even years later. But despite the length of time, when a person goes, or when something stops, we would feel as if it was so sudden and time had passed so fast.

Like fine sand that you hold in your hand, first you have a tight handful, but then it would slip through your fingers, running until you’re left with just the residue that sticks to your palm. On the event that my mother goes, I don’t want to experience the death and then suddenly realise that I have missed the chance to get to know her or appreciate her or show her I love her or make her proud. I don’t want to realise that I’ve forgotten to say sorry for the times I’ve caused her pain or have no time to help her out when she needed me. Or when she would tell me things that I think was empty only to realise they were things I wish I would have paid more attention to. I don’t want to be left with that residue when everything is gone.

This was the mistake I have made with my father; remembering all the bad qualities about him, but failing to remember all the good ones that came together until it was too late. Going through the same mistake again with my mother would definitely be a shame on me. My mistake, my loss.

Mother, you are important to me and I love you.

The One

The One. What does that even mean? The right person who completes your physical needs? The right person who completes your every whim? Or the one person who seems to (scarily) know you inside and out like a twin? If the person spoils me to death, bringing me happiness every step of the way, is he the one?

I thought that there was a sure answer to this, but then I found out it’s too subjective. Reason being is that when life condition changes, your criterions for “The One” changes as well. For example, now I can be thinking that “The One” needs to be tall, buff, handsome, understanding, sweet, etc. etc. Later, as these qualities become less important to me, I would want someone whom I simply can share my life with (I know, too general. Joanna, please be more specific).

So I spent a little time reflecting, what does “The One” mean to me generally? Surely there are patterns throughout my life that I look for the most. Maybe I have not made enough mistakes to truly know and point to a person saying, “He’s the one.” Or maybe finding Mr. Right, is not really as important right now. I guess I may just be waiting for him to fall from the sky and give me an epiphany.

Regardless of the many variables that may constitute my “The One”, here is what I think “The One” is:

He’s “The One” when I don’t need to pretend I am someone else.

He’s “The One” when he respects me and I respect him.

He’s “The One” when he knows my weakness and accepts me. Better yet, try to help me become better.

He’s “The One” when there’s still things I can learn about him.

He’s “The One” when there’s nothing more to learn about him, that I continue to love him.

He’s “The One” when he loves me and continues to love me no matter what happens.

He’s “The One” when I can accept and live with his weaknesses.

He’s “The One” when we learn things in life together.

He’s “The One” when he just is.

Screw requirements, screw check lists for future husbands. If we love each other, we will surely work to improve ourselves for each other. We will surely change for the other person, although it may take some tears, some arguments, some time and some heartache. In fact, why are we making things so complicated? The term of “The One”? What, do we think that the perfect person that we think we can spend the rest of our lives with, the one that we’ve built in our heads will just fall on our lap, custom made?

In reality, “The One” does not exist. No matter perfect you think the person is, he/she will always have this weakness that you will eventually come to dislike. Oh, he’s so messy. Oh, he’s not treating my mother well. What the hell, doesn’t he know how to care for the baby? Why can’t he help with the house chores? He’s not taking me seriously anymore! He’s so boring, we used to have a lot of fun. Crap, he doesn’t have enough money. He can’t drive me around, he doesn’t understand me, he thinks I’m fat, ZOMG he’s flirting with that GIRL! etc. etc. And then, if things don’t get talked out or solved soon enough, we eventually stop loving.

That’s our conditional love, dear humans. If the other party don’t give us what we want or meet up to our expectations, we stop loving. Fights happen, break ups happen, and divorces happen. “The One” that you so happily married, ended up being “The Zero”. Loser. But really, is it 100% the other party’s fault? Hmm…

If you think you’ve found “The One”- perfect person you can’t even believe you have him/her, well, good for you! I sincerely wish you happiness in the years to come with each other, proving skeptics that love can lasts “’til death do us part” and that perfect people really do exist- or that you just found a way to handle weaknesses and negativity from your partner.

Commitment and Faith is all you need (and other subcategories in between). That’s “The One” for me.

Cruel To Be Kind

I once did a presentation about this saying. A phrase coined from our immortal poet and playwright, William Shakespeare. It is so commonly used that I thought it was such a cool thing to say and to use and to find out about. When I looked deeper than just the physical words, I actually came to agree to this phrase. It is cruel to be kind. What does it mean?

It can be viewed in either two ways. One,  you need to be cruel in order to be kind. Two, you’re being cruel when you’re being kind. In the end, they both result in the same thing. Let’s explain the first viewpoint. This was used by Shakespeare in one of his writings.

I do repent; but heaven hath pleas’d it so
To punish me with this and this with me,
That I must be their scourge and minister.
I will bestow him, and will answer well
The death I gave him. So again good night.
I must be cruel only to be kind.
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.

Hamlet Act 3, scene 4, 173–179.

Let me give you a summary of the explanations of these lines. It is said that these lines were addressed by Hamlet to his mother. The first five lines refer to Hamlet’s impulsive killing of a courtier called Polonius whom had been snooping around when Hamlet was talking to his mother. Hamlet justified his act by saying he was heaven’s “scourge and minister” to bring justice on the corrupt. At the same time, he repents on the killing and accepts the consequences to come. Polonius was punished by Hamlet and Hamlet will be punished for killing Polonius. 

The next line saying, “I must be cruel only to be kind,” was shifting the focus on Hamlet’s mother whom was indulging in her new husband (whom is also her brother-in-law) of whom Hamlet thought was a very low specimen of slime because brother-in-law is a murderer of mother’s late husband. In this line he explains he needed to be cruel to his mother in order to be kind- to save her from going further into sensuality and betrayal of her late husband. (To read the original explanation, please click here)

The two explanations above shows Hamlet being kind (bringing justice on the corrupt and nagging his mother’s ear off because of her acts), but was seen as being cruel (his act of murder needed to be punished and his mother most probably does not appreciate of her son’s despise of her new husband).

I know this doesn’t belong here. It’s too cute.

The second viewpoint is one I believe most people experienced. It is when you’re being too kind, that you end up being cruel instead. Imagine this; your very own son or daughter does drugs and demands for money every once in a while to buy them. There are two ways this can end. One, you give the money to him or her and your child will be on their way to “happiness”. Two, if you don’t, they might throw a tantrum, flip tables, bang doors, perhaps even threaten you and walk out of the house swearing to never see you again. Your own child- hating you, never seeing you again. Would you in this situation, give the money? If you would give the money, thinking this would pass and there will be a time when he or she would go off drugs, you’re being too kind.

Maybe that example is a little too abstract for you. What about if someone close to you was self-destructive? Most times you meet, you hear of his or her sorrows of not being able to be successful at what they do when in actuality, the root of the problem is the person himself or herself. Perhaps why he cannot get a promotion while his other colleagues are getting it is not because the boss was being unfair, but because he’s not showing any progress. Or the reason why she’s always being unhappy in her relationship is not because of her, but her holding on to the wrong person. Or maybe you realise that he’s going to ruin his relationship with the love of his life by suffocating her too much with his obsessive love acts, but he doesn’t realise it. Yet, you keep quiet because you know, if you touch on these sensitive topics, they’d get hurt, defend themselves, start to turn away from you or you assume that they would not listen to you in the first place. Bottom line, it might not end up well and will ruin your relationship with him or her. You assume they would work it out themselves sooner or later.

By keeping quiet or giving hypothetical drug money to your hypothetical drug addict child, you’re being too kind. What if they never figure it out? What if they never get their head out of that castle of clouds they just built? True, you never did anything wrong to them. But you never did anything period. You just did a cruel act by letting them fall into their own self-made trap. Almost as if it’s Cruel Mercy. Hamlet could have just shut his mouth and let his mother fall further and further in her lustful love of her brother-in-law. It was because he cared that he took the chance to be seen as cruel to be kind to her.

Modernized Prince Hamlet.

I struggle with this constantly. Some people close to me are being self-destructive. Yet, I chose to keep quiet because I did not want to be seen as judgemental, did not want to have to deal with arguments, did not want to deal with them turning away. I was being too kind. Inside, I want to help, but I did not know how to help without being cruel. If I was being cruel (rude, harsh, insensitive), I never meant it to be. I only did it because I cared.

Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up. 
~ Jesse Jackson 

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Random fact: There’s a weird and cute game called Cruel2BKind.

2010 turned 2011

Note: Double post! Wut? Also overdue .

How is it that time passed so fast? Was it because of the partying or the constant not-being-at-home? I was supposed to finish composing my short story during the holidays but it never got finished due to my lack of discipline and love for procrastination. Now holidays are almost over and I’m finding myself getting nervous everyday, anticipating my results for last semester (which I predict will be bad or very, very bad).

On another note, I noticed that people has been writing down what they’ve done in 2010 and what they wish to be done in 2011. I thought it would be fun to do the same, but changed my mind because that’s just plagiarizing in some way (don’t want to do it now) and also I cannot remember much of what happened in 2010… okay, I’m lying. I’m too lazy to think back.

I am sure many things happened between 2010 and 2011, good and bad. I need to remember to learn from the bad parts and throw them away. The good parts, I hope I keep them. I’m not about to make a list of resolutions, simply because:

1) I am never good with following listed goals.
2) Because of #1, my resolutions always fail.
3) Pointless.

However, I do want to send out a message to the people whom had a significant impact in my life. These people are my family, my high school friends, my Psycho Family, my yam cha friends, my used to be admirers, my online friends, my exes, my besties, my Goat and my guinea pigs and ex-dogs (who say pets don’t understand, hah?). Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for making my life more colourful than it is. Though there are times when we exchanged negative feelings, motive of caring and of love is always there. Life wouldn’t be the same without you bunch of people. I hope the 2011 will bring you more blessings and improvement in yourself and things around you. Piece of advice is to not trust fortune tellers, horoscopes, palm readers and all those sorts. They do not make your life, you won’t get rich if you just wait for it and you won’t get bad luck if you’re careful with what you do. Don’t ever go to read them or find out anything, because once they get in your head, it will directly or indirectly affect the way you live your life and therefore in the end, it happens. All the best!

Huggies! <3

Christmas Week

Note: This is very overdue. May be long.

Christmas is now here. I feel like days pass by so fast. It seems as if it were yesterday that I was freezing myself off in the anxiety filled exam hall. Well, not really anxiety. There’s a hint of nervousness plus a little dreamy effect once you walk into the exam hall, watching everybody get ready, students and invigilators alike. Then when you open up the exam sheet, your world minimizes and becomes just you and the exam questions. What interesting transition. But I shall not write a post on exams. After all, it has long gone and it wouldn’t suit the title above now, would it?

Christmas. It used to be so anticipated, so fun, so new and exciting no matter how many times you’ve celebrated it before. The idea of receiving presents and hoping to receive something good from the many, many givers during the season, the idea of having so many people walking around the house because of a party, the idea of having delicious food to eat during those parties, the idea of singing carols and drinking like there’s no tomorrow; they used to be something I experienced and enjoyed. Then it got to a time whereby these Christmas activities suddenly start to fade away its effects. Was it because I grew older or was it because of my father’s death? Or perhaps both?

After his death, whenever Christmas comes around and they start to play those nostalgic Christmas songs (e.g. White Christmas, Winter Wonderland, O Holy Night) I start to feel sad. Christmas songs had gone from happy festival feeling to just annoying. “Shut up, I don’t want to hear it,” would be my thought when those songs start to play. What is Christmas, if I cannot celebrate it with my father? He used to be there for 16 Christmases and now he’s not anymore. Now when I go to parties as described before, I feel as if… I used to have those, not that I have those now. Do you see what I mean? Even though I am experiencing it right then and there, I feel as if I’m not and it’s a long ago thing. Christmas, to me, became a sad event.

Then someone asked me what’s the meaning of Christmas to me. And hello, Joanna who is a Christian, so shameful of you. Christmas as not meant to be wearing Santa hats, singing and drinking until you feel like you reach heaven. Christmas did not lose meaning because your father died and now you no longer have barbequed lamb, his out of tone singing and his cheeky laughter. Why do you feel nostalgic for the things that, if you pan out, mean nothing at all?

What does Christmas mean to you? Tearing out presents from their wrappers or having a blast with friends? Showing off your house that can fit a number of people enough for a Chinese wedding dinner? And Santa. I am starting to get annoyed with songs singing about Santa and how he/she saw his/her mother kissing Santa under the mistletoe last night or how they would want Santa to bring them their desired gifts or how one would want Santa all by herself. Who in the world is Santa? Why would anyone want a fat man with a full white beard who only dress in the same clothes every single year (and the only thing he says is, “Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!”) all by themselves? Why is Santa fat? Does he sit idle the whole year and only works for one day? Isn’t that lazy? Does the North Pole even contain elves and a fat man that dominates an entire factory that makes presents that are desired by people all over the world? Where do they get their resources? How do they get it? Who’s paying for it?! Ok, I’m rambling a little.

The fact is, if they say Christmas is about giving, we’ve been given a very big, out of this world gift. We are all sinners. By sinning against God, who gave us life and is almighty, our punishment is only death. We deserve it. But because God loved us, He came down to earth as a humble human. He gave us His son, Jesus. God in the image of man. Weak, helpless and just as tempted as any other human. Yet, Jesus followed his Father’s wishes, got ridiculed, insulted, beaten and died on the cross bearing all our sins, taking God’s wrath for us. He will come again to judge. Christmas is that remembrance, the day that salvation arrived for the lost souls.

P.S: This was meant to be more than what was typed out… but halfway through I got too analytical about what to say and how best to put it that I stopped and hoped inspiration will come later. I stopped a little too long only to have my inspiration run dry. This, I think is a really pathetic preaching (hard to understand, too light on the surface), but I figured I got to finish up the message before I leave it in the draft to rot and die. But yes, in a nutshell, this is what I think Christmas is meant to be. 

Windows Live Essentials 2011

So my laptop does an update for me once there is a new update available. Recently, it updated this thing called Windows Live Essentials 2011. I thought the update was more like updating some glitches or bugs in the Operating System (Windows 7) or some programs used, but hey to my surprise, after installing the update, my Windows Live Messenger icon disappeared. At first I was freaked out a little, thinking that my new laptop was infected with a virus (the poor baby), but after finding the missing program in this machine and clicking on it, it opened… Windows Live Essentials 2011 (I believe it is still in beta mode). Plus a new messenger.

Honestly, I am not much impressed with the new messenger. One thing that really annoys me is that if I wanted to change and/or beautify my screen name, I would have to change the name that appears in my e-mail as well. There is no way (as of now) to have a separate screen name. Another thing is the personal messages/status updates section. If I wanted to edit it, say change just a word or two, it erases the whole of what previously was written and I would have to write whatever it is all over again (it sort of reminds me of how people update the Facebook status thing). Geez, talk about backwards evolution. Even my MSN Plus! does not fully work (i.e. cannot see different coloured nicknames), but after visiting the website, they are about to release a new version in December. Too bad I have to wait that long. Hopefully the new version allows me to edit my screen name without changing my name in the e-mail.

There is a plus side to it, I guess. One thing is the changed signing in layout thingy. If you do not get what I am babbling about, picture is below.

Signing into messenger

Once signed in, they have this social feeds thing (just like Facebook so you can stalk your friends list) and also MSN feeds to get all kinds of news. Seeing as how I do neither (maybe just a little bit of stalking, but hey I already have Facebook for that), I find this as unnecessary. At first it appears like this big window (as the picture below), but they also have this option to collapse it and return it to the normal messenger sized one.

Expanded versus the collapsed

Sorry for the bad picture. I was too lazy to arrange two different pictures while writing the post so I merged the two pictures of the window size together. On to the other features… So the new messenger or maybe it is the Windows Live Essentials program, also allows you to connect with other services such as social networking sites (i.e Facebook, MySpace), blogging services as well as the many other services that updates with news regularly or requires an update. What it does, I do not know because I did not link any. Perhaps it will give you more updates in the social feeds. Maybe anyone who uses that option can tell me about it and whether it is great or not.

I guess that is pretty much it for the messenger. There are other programs that came with the Windows Live Messenger.  Like the Windows Live Writer which allows me to update my blog without signing into Blogger and clicking for a new post. I find this pretty useful since I am such a lazy pig to sign into Blogger and clicking for a new post. I just realized that perhaps people have been using this program for some time and I am like a jakun just discovering this new thing for the first time. In any case, I love this program and perhaps it will get me to update the blog more. Whee!

For the benefit of those who did not encounter this awesome Windows Live Writer, the program requires you to register your blog in first. When that is done, whenever you want to use it, the program just signs you in automatically, opens this window that looks like Microsoft Word and there you go, you can create a new post already. It is like writing on Microsoft Word except with blogging options. It also incorporates your blog layout while editing so you can immediately see how your post would look like when published.

   While writing the post I took a print screen

Even uploading pictures is a breeze because you can just take it from your own computer and insert (like how you insert into Microsoft Word) without going through the blogger’s or any other image uploading sites’ uploading picture window and loading thing. I cannot find the right words, but I will just assume you understand my blabber.  

I am pretty sure there are other programs that came with Windows Live Essential 2011(Movie Maker for example), but I have only explored two and that seems good enough for me. I just hope there is a good update for the annoying Messenger or some good script update from MSN Plus! 5. I will have to wait for December I guess. 

Keep Searching, Searching

Look, I don't know what is it that I'm searching for. Things that once I thought I was passionate about, felt good about, now just seem to pale in comparison. But even the things that I felt weren't good, still felt uncertain and definitely not likely to change my view point of it.

Case in point. I thought that hanging out with a certain someone (let's name this someone A) whom was so passionate and detailed about things was something good for me. I'm not like A- so thick faced, so brave and so determined to change for the better. I wanted to be more like that because I'm just too timid for my own good and I wanted to be better. Initially it felt great and what a refreshing change. Building myself as a more controlled, more disciplined, more structured person. However, when time went on I felt a little suffocated. I felt that A was always nitpicking on things, never giving it a rest, always moving and pushing. I felt a little burned out. Then there are times when the "goodness" went against my thinking and my insides start to rebel questioning, "Should it really be that way?" And then I did what I was not supposed to do; I completely turned away from this passion that I wanted and ended up just slacking.

On the other hand, I have friends from B whom are wild, free and do whatever they liked. I smile and laugh when I'm with them, but inside I felt afraid. What if we go too far? What if, what if, what if? They said things I don't agree with, they do things I'm afraid of. Yet, I still continue coming, as if they were my pack of cigarettes.

What is it that I'm searching for? Psychotherapists will say, I've reached inequilibrium- contradicting myself, confused.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

Video Ramble 01

Due to my laziness and the time to update this blog, I decided to upload... a video. Hah!

Smoke and Cigarettes

I used to walk around wearing this big junk of words strung into a very meaningful sentence inside my head and it goes like this:

"I HATE SMOKERS"

.

Especially the inconsiderate ones who smoke without a care in the world and forgetting that there are other non-smokers out there, sitting around them, trying to enjoy their damn meal! The worst is if you have a chain smoker right in the next table to you. Ugh!

But then I thought, that's not fair, some smokers are actually quite nice people. Yet I would still try my best to stay away whenever they bring out a cigarette. So I decided, that I would change the previous junk of words and reform it. It's now:

"I HATE CIGARETTES"



First off, the smell, GAWD the smell. It ranges from light to really pungent, but the smell is something I come to hate and wish it'd disappear forever. Not only that, the smoke smell would weave its way through my hair and cling to it. And I have such long hair which makes it even worse. I could smell the smoke in my hair even after I've walked away from the danger zone an hour or two before. I hate it when I have already washed my hair that day with nice smelling shampoo and conditioner, to only have it ruined by the pungent smell of cigarette smoke later in the day.

Also, if your solution for me is to wash my hair again, I will tell you why I don't want to go through the hassle. First, washing hair everyday makes my hair dry and it'll look like a mess of straw. Second, the smell does not go away even after I wash, rinse, and repeat. IT STICKS LIKE FREAKING SUPER GLUE. Usually I would need to wait until the smell wears off. It can stay on the whole day! This is one big factor that contributes to my hating cigarettes.

Another thing why I hate cigarettes, is that the second hand smoke can be more dangerous as the first hand. Simply put, to smokers out there, other people smelling your cigarette smoke that you puff/exhale out would be more likely to die faster than you! If you want to ruin your lungs, go ahead and do it, but please don't drag other people along with you. Be responsible, people! And when I hang out with smokers or have to share a place with smokers, my throat starts building up phlegm and I detest that feeling.

This next section of the rant is quite harsh as it is aimed not at the substance (cigarettes), but at particular users (smokers). Those of you who think smoking a cigarette is hot/cool/impressive, you need to find something new to impress people with. You only turn out to be smelly and your surrounding stinks; which means people (most probably girls) stay away from you. AND looking at the one you want to impress with a cigarette in your mouth will not make anyone normal melt at the sight of you!

If I could have a few wishes, one of them would be to wish cigarettes out of existance. OUT OF EXISTANCE!!!

Sigh, I will try to go wash the smell off my hair now.

Define Decent

You have got a decent guy. Appreciate it.

Hearing these words, I really do thank God and appreciate it. A person who loves you, respects you and tries for you is really something special. We don't run into these kind of people everyday and anytime.

It is so easy to fall in love. One simple flattering word, one meaningful action, sweet sentences and apologies when things go wrong- they all are our love catalysts. And when time goes on a couple constantly struggles to keep the peace, the tolerance and that relationship that started once with a bright spark, or a witty comment, or something more romantic, less romantic. Whichever way, that starting moment would become something meaningful and important for the whole relationship with each other.

Consider yourself lucky and blessed when you get a partner that is decent enough. Though, every relationship is not without their flaws. Partners get to see each other's differences and how many differences you will see depends on how far apart your personality is with your partner. What if the differences are so many that you start to doubt the relationship?

Every plan you plan, every passion you have, you have to carefully construct your words and your thoughts so that the other party understands you- feel you, just because both your view points are total opposites. Sometimes it is amusing; learning something new about your partner. Sometimes, it takes that one big, tiring step. By the end of the day you just want to retire and have a good rest. What if this happens time and time again?

You have got a decent guy. Define your 'decent'. Someone who pays for your meals? Someone who pays for the date? Someone who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie, doesn't take advantage of you? Someone who, in the eyes of many, is a stable person when it comes to relationships? Decent meaning that person takes care of everything physical for you; money, food, caresses, sweet kisses, etc?

What if decent is not enough?

Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse

I must admit that I'm a Twilight reader. I was offered to read the book before watching the movie but I opted to watch the movie first. And I must admit again, the first Twilight movie got me hooked. It was literally my fantasy life on screen (although the girl needed some acting skills). Then I got hold of the book and liked it- it was even better than the movie. I liked it so much that I went to read New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I read them off the net (because I couldn't wait to save money to buy the book) and swallowed them like water. I loved the concept of Edward Cullen.

Then the Twilight craze broke out. Although I do love the book and love the characters, I could never understand why people would go screaming and drooling insanely for the actors. Also, there were Twilight movie peeks, Twilight movie books, and I even saw a Twilight comic book! WTH. Then it was Robert Pattinson this, Robert Pattinson that, Taylor this, Taylor that. There's even a Team Edward and Team Jacob. AHAHAHA! The craze resulted in me starting to have allergic reactions to the actors. Robert Pattinson being the main one. Actually, after overcoming my infatuation of his portrayal of Edward Cullen, I found him badly flawed. But I'm not here to rant about the actors and actresses. I am going to talk about the movies.

My view of Kristen and Robert as Twilight characters changed drastically when I went to watch New Moon. I'm sorry to Twilight fans, but I never got to know what in the world is soooo good about New Moon. Seriously. It's the only romantic movie ever in my life that I wanted to fall asleep just watching it. The director or scriptwriter or whomever is it needs a slap. All I get from the movie were cheesy lines, Jacob shirtless, cheesy lines, Bella's non-responsive face, cheesy lines and Edward murmuring words. Oh, and Robert's make-up for New Moon was horrible. Why does his lips look so red? White face, red lips... doesn't it remind you of a clown? The only enjoyment in the movie for me were the supporting casts. They were good. The movie's portrayal of Bella and Jacob was OK, but between Bella and Edward, I'm afraid the movie didn't do any justice.

I should not be very surprised that the movie was a disappointment. I knew it would. What movie ever gave books justice? Almost none. But New Moon was so bad I was wondering whether the director ever read the book or just asked for a synopsis and started filming.

With New Moon out of the way, I waited (barely) for Eclipse. I forgot that the movie Eclipse was supposed to exist until a few days ago. So out of curiousity, I went to watch the trailers to predict the outcome of the movie. Here is the first:




Honestly, I didn't know whether to hurl my stomach contents or laugh hysterically. I almost did both. The first word Robert murmured (badly) had to be replayed in my mind twice before I even begin to understand that he was actually saying, "Isabella Swan". Then 1 minute of cheesy lines followed after that. Yeah, I do understand this is a romance movie and all, but too much of cheese is... too much. Don't you get sick of eating cheese all the time? On a positive note, I think Kristen's acting is better in this short Eclipse trailer than in New Moon and Robert's lipstick is toned down (I think... it may be my computer screen). Then I noticed that there was another trailer:




I think I breathed better watching this trailer. At least it made me consider the movie more seriously. The only extra qualms I have (in both trailers) was Jacob/Taylor. Is it me or is he too sweet to be seen as a dangerous werewolf warning a dangerous vampire? Another would be... I wish they'd change the red vampire contacts; they look hardly natural.

All in all, I hope the movie turns out as good as the second trailer. I'll chuck the critical reviews in a bag and watch the movie when it comes out anyway. I know I'll get disappointed, but at least it will give me something to laugh at. I just wish that it's much better than New Moon.

Hard Choices

What do we do when we have a hard choice to make? Be it leaving a loved one or doing something you originally intended not to do (but it is necessary)? I would have happily give you answers and choices to make that would make your life easier... if only I've found it.



If only it were easy as this...

Face the facts; with hard choices, there's no easy way. It's either you do it or you don't. I find myself always and constantly stuck in this period. No matter how much I pray, how much I cry or how much I ponder, I never get far. I thank God that whatever it is, I still have the strength to smile and to carry on my daily life and not cling to the bed, complaining I cannot go on or worse yet, drop everything I've learnt and revert to my old, mundane ways. I also thank God for supportive friends whom are always there, caring and helping me lift my moods.

I hope that I can do something for them as well. No matter how small the deed, I hope that one day I am able to make a better difference in their lives. Hope they don't see that I take their kindness and cares to my advantage. For future implications, if I ever gave that impression, just slap me. I never intended for that to happen.

My elder brother told me and gave me the impression that he thinks I am one that sits down and wait to be pampered. He worries that in future, I could not handle my life. While that may hold some truth, I would never want to be the only one on the receiving end and I have a belief that I can handle my life (the problem is whether would it be the hard way or the easy way). That much, I hope he knows. Although growing older means I have to take more responsibilities I'm not really ready for yet, I'm not as spoilt as he thinks or as weak as he thinks.

As for Hard Choices, I made up my mind that although you are an incredible pain in the back, you are necessary for my growth. And guess what? I'm not backing down and I'm beating you one step, albeit small, at a time.

Glee

Throughout the years I've been watching dramas and TV series that other people had recommend to me or my family had started watching. I've watched Journey to the West (chinese childhood favourite of mine), Ally McBeal, Wonder Years, One Tree Hill, Grey's Anatomy and loads of other stuff I couldn't even remember. They are usually very entertaining for me, but I couldn't watch each and every episode due to time constraints and couldn't get the copy of the videos. In the end, I stopped watching them one by one. Then came Glee.

I thought Glee was going to be something boring in the long run like American Idol and all those reality TV shows. However, when I watched it, I got hooked. I don't know what's so addicting about Glee. It could be the music they make, the twists that happened, the humour in it... could be anything! I just enjoy it quite a lot. And I made sure I watch each and every episode. It's quite a unique musical comedy-drama. In fact, most the actors/actresses have nice voices (it could be also due to studio editing).

Guess who's my favourite character in Glee?


This guy, next to...



this guy!

I know that's more than one, but whatever! I want to go watch Glee. Bye!

Blogging

Comparing myself now to my 17 year old self, I have less inspiration to write, much less blog. All of my stories that I've started does not have an ending and has been laying in the "Write" folder for eons now. I wonder what made my inspirations run away from me? Perhaps the juices in my head are all dried up. Perhaps I've turned lazy. Perhaps I have too many things to do. Perhaps, perhaps. Meh.

For the fun of it, I'll try to see if I can update every two days. Major challenge. Assignments due and finals coming up. I quite dislike 2nd year of degree. It's draining!

Now what shall I blog about next?

The Definition of Love?

I think most of us constantly find out ways to define what we think as love. We compare it to the movies, compare it to our parents, compare it to actions. But somehow we fail to grasp the true meaning of it and are never satisfied.

I came across this video and I think that it truly defines what we seek as 'love'. The one, true love. For the people whom I love and everyone out there, this is a wonderful song by Jaeson Ma.

Dream, Dream, Dream

Funny how when you're in a dream and it makes so much sense with so much purpose. Then when you wake up, especially from an exciting dream, you feel the sense of urgency. Later, it slowly fades away as you start to realise that the dream was very silly and you can barely recall what it was that was so important. I was browsing my desktop for study notes when I found a document titled "In a party". Wondering when I managed to write a new story, I opened it.

Scanning through the first few lines, I wondered when I had this particular document. It did not make any sense and there were random people jumping in. Punctuations and grammar were not even in the right place. It had even more action than my other stories. Then, ding! I remembered that I had once woken up in a sense of urgency and quickly typed out what I remember about the dream after washing up. Below is what I wrote...

---

In a party… when Wayne suddenly got this premonition about the earth quake. His head(near his left eye there is a scar) hurts and he explains while crying that he actually got this when Adeline pushed him down last time. Since then he has been able to tell if there was an earthquake. But it was so minor. Until that day that it was so painful… and he sobbed "We’re going to die."

Just then we saw the ground spilt into a small hole and bright red lava was coming out of it. Adeline and I sprang into action. No idea why we didn’t warn people when we should have… we climbed rooftops and went further away from the scene. I warned Eng Yew through SMS while I was maneuvering through the many rooftops. After that we were on the ground and my brother came with a Kancil in full speed. Asked me to hurry get into the car. We were to escape the lava. I went to get Adeline, told her that I was going, hoping she would follow me. I don’t know if she did but once I got in the car, that was it. My brother drove away and we were headed our way to KL. He took a short cut to save time. But we got to a point (somewhere near Tesco) that further down the road, it was already in fire. There was no way to maneuver around it. Lava was catching up in our direction. It already did and went further up. My brother tried to maneuver around the lava, did a U-turn and returned to the place where we departed from to get his wife and other people?.

I wanted to save Adeline. I asked to return. And we tried to get inside but our path was blocked with lava. I found a way. We used motorbikes. And went underground (secret passage) and up to a… bank? And I was screaming to people to get out to get out. The guards helped me as well and showed the way to the underground passage. Almost everyone was out but I saw someone pass a small thing over to somebody else in a discreet way. I predict a betrayal later on. In the passage, there was this old lady, supposedly a wise shaman of that sort. She has passed out and couldn’t wake up. I asked someone to carry her. We went down a half level and there sat two or three kids. Who had fallen from the flights and supposedly got their legs broken. I checked, slowly… but it was only a twist.

I couldn’t remember what happened next.

---

I pressume I woke up after that. I also notice that in this dream, I was being the "heroine". Most of the time with dreams such as these, my top priority was running away. There's a theory I came up with that running away from something means running away from problems. If this theory is true, then what I did in my dream would mean I've started face my problems.

It's a good change, no?

Procrastination

I am the queen. I am queen over all procrastination urges. For I, Joanna Liew, am a big, fat procrastinator (the irony- since I'm so skinny). What makes people procrastinate? I remember doing a research about this on my first semester in Psychology. I would have tried to revive this memory to put in nice information about procrastinators here, but unfortunately I am too darn lazy to care.

Thus, I shall show you an example of a procrastinator- which is me. I actually need to construct a better rating form and e-mail it to someone since yesterday, which is a Friday night. Now, 24++ hours later, I am still chilling around and have not yet even begun constructing said rating form, much less e-mail it to the said someone. Well, if I'm working on my own on this assignment, it wouldn't bother me so much. But I am actually working with a friend, whom much unlike me do not procrastinate, and I am feeling so guilty.

So this is my sorry note, although I know you don't read my blog. Either way, sorry. It's 12:11A.M on a beautiful EARLY Sunday morning. I will get it done by this Sunday afternoon.

Yeah, right. I doubt myself.

Motivation That Flew Away

It's been ages since I touched this dusty old blog. Motivation is running low. To even place my fingers on the keyboard and type out thoughts on the blog. Sometimes the thoughts don't even matter by the time my CPU whirs to life.

I tried making a new layout for the blog, but then it wasn't really impressive to me so I gave it up. Maybe after searching for another inspirational picture, I might get the thing done.

Also, Psychology is becoming more of a pain. The workload is definitely rising and trying to make us poor students "psycho". With that said, ta-ta for now!

And They Are At It Again

.

Are you kidding me?

So much for "Merdeka".

What's Behind My Mask?

It is weird how things work. Most of the time I sit and contemplate about myself and about other people. Sometimes I have this nagging thing in my gut telling me a person is not really "suitable" as a role model or a friend. Like not wanting to be friend a gangster because he/she will be a bad influence. I'd have this perception about people I judge on first impression and it'll stick as long as I continue seeing the negative signs.

But that's all I do. I judge. I'm a hypocrite to myself. I've always thought that I rarely judge people and when I do so, it'll most probably be right a 100%. I would think that the people who judge outwardly about other people were just plain mean, non-understanding and possibly insecure. What I didn't realise is that I do it too- just in my head. It's just as bad. I made a bad mistake on hiding behind a mask and putting myself on a pedestal.


I'm just something else behind the fancy mask.

Which brings me to my main point; I'm a monster. No, I'm not being all "emo" and self-pitying (well, maybe a little). I just realised that I'm not as great as I thought I was. Just recently I got to meet a girl. She's not that pretty, just average. I'll boldly admit that I think I'm prettier than her. But when I observed her actions and her reactions, I suddenly felt that I'm the uglier one. She's such a beautiful girl inside, which made her outside excuseable and perhaps made it prettier. She wasn't the only one. I've met other girls who do not have what society deem as "beautiful/pretty". But they can be so cheerful and it's just like breathing fresh air up in the mountains when you're with them.

I feel shameful of myself. Here I am trying to make myself prettier (less acne, more make up, better hair, better clothes), but I neglected my self growth. I'm so envious, grumpy and insecure inside that if humans' physical body were the same as their mind, I'd be one ugly girl.

Why can't I just enjoy being myself?

Maybe... when I judge other people, the person that I'm really judging, is me?