Keep Searching, Searching

Look, I don't know what is it that I'm searching for. Things that once I thought I was passionate about, felt good about, now just seem to pale in comparison. But even the things that I felt weren't good, still felt uncertain and definitely not likely to change my view point of it.

Case in point. I thought that hanging out with a certain someone (let's name this someone A) whom was so passionate and detailed about things was something good for me. I'm not like A- so thick faced, so brave and so determined to change for the better. I wanted to be more like that because I'm just too timid for my own good and I wanted to be better. Initially it felt great and what a refreshing change. Building myself as a more controlled, more disciplined, more structured person. However, when time went on I felt a little suffocated. I felt that A was always nitpicking on things, never giving it a rest, always moving and pushing. I felt a little burned out. Then there are times when the "goodness" went against my thinking and my insides start to rebel questioning, "Should it really be that way?" And then I did what I was not supposed to do; I completely turned away from this passion that I wanted and ended up just slacking.

On the other hand, I have friends from B whom are wild, free and do whatever they liked. I smile and laugh when I'm with them, but inside I felt afraid. What if we go too far? What if, what if, what if? They said things I don't agree with, they do things I'm afraid of. Yet, I still continue coming, as if they were my pack of cigarettes.

What is it that I'm searching for? Psychotherapists will say, I've reached inequilibrium- contradicting myself, confused.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.